Addressing Problems

When you are faced with a problem, how do you go about solving it?

Do you tackle it head on?  Do you get overwhelmed and don't do anything at all?

I've recently noticed that people often go about solving problems in a defensive way.  

We want to be the one who triumphs over the other.

We want others to conform to our point of view.

We want to be right.

 For years, I have been one of these people who always wanted to be right.  Looking back I don't understand why I wanted to be right, all I remember is that I didn't feel good when fighting and I'm pretty sure the other person didn't feel too good either.  Over all these years of pointless arguments I now know that I have been wrong.  I've been wrong in how I talk to people when conflict showed up.  I've been wrong in how I solve problems.

Recently, I have been asked the question:

Why are we teaching to fight fair when we should be teaching to communicate more effectively? 

I've come to the conclusion that when we fight fair we are filled with pain and blame, which makes our argument defensive.  

(pain + blame = defensive)

When our hearts are filled with pain and no blame our conversations tend to be compassionate.  

(pain with out blame = compassion)

The Latter Day Prophets and Apostles are a great examples of problem solving and making decisions.  

Every week the brethren hold a meeting.  In this meeting they do specific things that are key to having good discussions.

First, the brethren arrive 15-30 minutes early to talk, compliment, and converse with one another.  As they go around talking, they express love and appreciation for each other.

Second, they open with a prayer.

Third, they discuss to consensus.  This does not mean the brethren discuss until all of them agree with the prophet, it means they discuss until each have the same promptings from the Lord.

Fourth, they close with a prayer.

Lastly, they eat refreshments.

 I know every discussion we have will not start with compliments and end with food.  However, in this process we can see men put aside their defenses to have discussions of compassion.  We see that by admitting ourselves to the Lord will help our heart and mind become kind and wise.

I personally feel this process leads to our lives being more Christlike.
How many conversations start with affirming words of appreciation?
How many start with a prayer, even a prayer in our hearts, that we may have a valuable discussion?
How many conversations include two people confirming feelings and thoughts they have?

How many times do we end our discussions with a prayer, or even a silent prayer, to thank the Lord for the words and ideas given?

How many conversations end with eating a delicious treat?

In the end, it does not matter who wins the conversation.  It does not matter who was right and who was wrong.  It matters that the problem was solved in a compassionate way.  It matters that the problem is never more important than the person to be loved.

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Engagement & Marriage

Adam and Molly sitting in a tree.

K-I-S-S-I-N-G

First comes love,

Then comes marriage,

Then comes the baby in the baby carriage.

Why is engagement so important before marriage?

How is engagement a predictor of marriage tendencies?

What are some challenges newlyweds face?

I wouldn’t know because I haven’t been engaged or married.

By discussing this topic between friends and in class, I have become aware of new thoughts, ideas, and facts that have/will help me when the time comes for me to be engaged and married.

The single most focused idea in engagement is planning the wedding, when in reality it should be reinforcing the relationship with your fiancé.  Engagement is making the first major decisions, which later reflect when trials hit in your later, married years.  Listed below are ideas to think about when in the moment of engagement.

1.     A man asking the parents for their daughter’s hand in marriage resembles him taking responsibility to protect her.

2.     Questions like:

How much money do we spend?

Do we borrow money from parents?

Do we use credit cards or a loan?

What are the conditions of using other recourses?

These are all major decisions engaged couples have to make.  Jointly making these decisions provide the first steps to communication, discussion, and decision making.

3.     Detailed decisions like:

Colors of the wedding?

People to invite?

What day to get married?

Food to have?

These are not life changing decisions, but couples who involve each other in every aspect of the planning are better preparing themselves for making simple decisions in their marriage.

4.     Including family members in the wedding plans reinforces those relationships and allows for the two families to bond.

5.     The reception is for the community to acknowledge and accept the new couple.

Engagement is an exciting time of life.  It is a time of celebration.  With all of this enthusiasm going around, there can be a lot of distraction.  

***I caution for everyone in the dating and engagement stages to be aware of reading scriptures, attending the temple, and praying together.  In these experiences we all feel the spirit and love.  How can we discern growing experiences from spiritual experiences?

Meet Evan and Nathell Porter.  These are my parents.  I had include this to show my appreciation of their hard work and dedication they have put towards their marriage.  I also admire this pretty photo of my parents on their wedding day.

Marriage is a whole new ball game.  It comes with a list of adjustments.  Combining finances and schedules, making the baby decision, and sharing a bed are new situations which both husband and wife adjust to. 

I like the idea of marriage being like a house with a white picket fence around it.

The house represents the couple’s establishment.

It is their standards, teachings, and appearance.

The fence stands for the types of boundaries they set.

The fence is white which makes the home inviting.

However, the tops are pointed sending the clear message that there are bounds which are acceptable to cross when occasion calls for it.

I feel it is appropriate to set boundaries with everyone when a man and a woman get married.

Women, set boundaries between yourself and your parents. It is okay to turn to your husband instead of your mother.

Men, do the same with your parents and your so called “buddies”.  It is acceptable to turn to your wife and not your social status.

Since being married, my parents have established their home, set their own boundaries, and learned to communicate.  They are great examples of adjusting to the life of marriage.  I am so blessed to be their daughter and learn from them.

Setting the stage for marriage reflects greatly from your rituals and roles in engagement.

Someone once told me to give your partner the benefit of the doubt.

***Life lesson: Give the benefit of the doubt.***

Each of us are different.

Men and women are different.

We each have different tendencies.

We each have different feelings.

Talk things through.  Communicate.  

Tony Robbins tells about communication in the best way.

"To effectively communicate we all must realize we are all different in the way we perceive the world, and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others."

I love my parents.  If you are reading this you have seen how I look up to them as I look for my future husband.  I cannot express the many lessons I've learned from them.

Five kids and twenty three years later my parents are proof to me that they are two people in love.  They have shown time after time that their soul focus is to strengthen their personal relationships with Heavenly Father and between themselves.

I know families are forever.  Families are essential to Gods plan.  I am so thankful for my parents who have been a shining example to me over the years.  The time is now to put forth our best effort in all our relationships.  I know it is constant effort to strengthen my relationships with my friends and family.  It is even more effort to strengthen mine and Christ's relationship.  By having a firm relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, I know I can make better decisions with the help of the Holy Ghost. 

June 10, 2016

Eat. Pray. Date.

 There are just over 7 billion people on the earth today.  Out of that 7 billion, there are slightly more men than there are women.  Out of all the people on earth, how are we expected to find the ‘perfect other’ or the ‘one for me’?

I believe dating is something we all think about.  Little kids know about dating, but to them it is gross because the opposite sex has cooties.  Teenagers think about dating all the time because it is commonly ‘uncool’ to go without a boyfriend or girlfriend.  I’m sure parents constantly wonder and worry about the kinds of people their kids will date.

No matter who you are, dating means something to you. 

Dating is preparation for marriage.

There are three things in which I believe are important to seek when dating:

1.    TOGETHERNESS is sharing a range of activities.  These activities should include learning, adventure, and interest.  I know I don’t want all of my dates to consist of watching Netflix because all I learn about the other is what shows they like.  I might learn a little about them, but I know I would learn a lot more if we were to go hiking, camping, or even on a drive.
2.    TALKING is mutual self disclosure.  This is how you get to know the other person.  You learn their interest, likes, and hobbies.  From learning about the other person, you may find them interesting or even learn you have the same interests.  This is also how you learn to communicate with the other, how you feel about specific topics, and where you see yourself in the future.
3.    TIME is letting the other person know you value them.  The time you spend with the other person should be time well spent.  Doing activities together that help each other grow closer is a wonderful thing.
  

The world has effectively confused the terms hanging out and dating.

Why?

Is it because the definition of dating has changed so drastically?

Or is it because proper dating has not been promoted within the family unit?

The three distinct differences between hanging out and dating are:

Paid for

Planned

Paired off

When these three things are applied then it is, for sure, a date.

Nowadays, society believes that if you date someone you have to go exclusive or even inevitably end up marrying.

Dating is not meant to be this way.  Everyone should date a wide variety of people in many different ways.  Dating is a guy and a girl learning and growing from each other; it is an opportunity for them to practice their skills that they will later use in courtship, engagement, and marriage.  Dating should be fun, and with a variation of people.

Often times, I feel that when people date like this, they are marked for being a ‘player’.  Why do we feel the need to put a mark on someone who is going through the steps of proper dating?

Is it jealousy?

Possibly because our generations have not been taught proper dating?

Regardless the answer, we all need to be aware of the stage of dating we are in.  We need to gain experience so we can make decisions.  We actively need to represent and seek out what we are looking for.

Each phase in the dating process is meant to be specific for different times in your life.Dating is an introduction to courtship.Courtship is an introduction to engagement.Engagement is an introduction to marriage.Ultimately each step is preparing you for marriage and family.

I know prophets today talk with the Lord and guide His church.

I know they receive revelation for all of us, so we may be better prepared and informed to make it though this life.

I know as we all follow the prophets and apostles counsel of dating, we will be blessed.

There are so many great blessings that come from Heaven as we follow the prophet.

I am so grateful for my family, who over the years have been by my side and supported me in my endeavors of dating.

I encourage everyone to read the words and seek answers about their personal dating lives.

I know that as we each seek these answers, we will be rewarded.

May 29, 2016

Sex

“ALL HUMAN BEINGS—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.”

-       The Family: A Proclamation to the World

I wish for every one to know, right now, that gender IS ESSENTIAL.

In the world we live in today we are all looking for reasons for men and women to be equal.  Why is that? 

Do women want to be like men?  Are men wanting to be more like women?  Is it because diversity is so widespread that now everyone wants to be the same?

Whatever the reason, I believe men and women are meant to be different.

Men and women have some very different characteristics.  These characteristic are what separate men from women and women from men.  For example, men tend to be more active, tough, and protective, while women tend to be gentle, creative, and nurturing.

These “tend to be” lists are what segregate males from females.  I feel everybody conditions these lists, meaning:  if a boy acts more feminine people tend to treat him feminine, and if a girl acts more masculine we tend to treat her more masculine.

Why is it so bad that men and women are different?

Think about this:

While men and women are different, is it possible to have interchangeable characteristics?  

I know it is.

As I look for my future husband I don’t only want him to be active, tough, and protective, but I also want him to be gentle, creative, and nurturing.  I would also hope that my future husband wants me to be active, tough, and protective.

Marrying the opposite gender makes complete sense.  A man cannot complete his role without the complement of a woman’s role.  A woman cannot complete her role without the complement of a man’s role.

I feel inclined to talk about children and their divine roles.  Just because parents are more grown up and may have more experience than a child, this does not mean they should interfere with a child’s growth.  Puberty is a crucial part of a person’s life, so why do some parents feel inclined to prevent puberty from taking it’s course?

I mentioned in the beginning how children will sometimes act like their opposite gender, and how grown–ups will treat children in the manner that they act.

From infancy we define children by the way they act.  Often times, parents with a homosexual son will tell people they knew their son was homosexual since the age of four (or from a very young age).  They then back their answer up with, “The way my son acted suggested he had different feelings from normal people,” or “all we needed to see was the way he acted to know he is homosexual”.

This baffles me because this is telling us that people categorize who a child is to become.

It’s like a cycle.

First, we see how the child acts.  Let’s say it’s a boy acting feminine.

Second, we treat the boy as he is acting: more feminine.

By the time the boy has grown, that is all he knows.

I feel we must not forget that we are all God’s children, which means our children are God’s children.  Just because parents, guardians, or mentors are older does not mean they should infringe on a child’s sexuality.  God want’s all of His children to fulfill their purpose.

I testify that marriage is between a man and woman.  I know with all my heart and mind that gender is a very important part of who we are and our purpose.  I believe we all need to honor the strengths and abilities of each gender.  As we do, I now we will strengthen our own characteristics and become better equipped to fulfilling our purpose.

I am so blessed to have a mother who teaches me to be nurturing and a father who teaches me to be practical.  Together they are teaching me how to be a future mother.

I love children.  I am so happy for the day when I will be married to a worthy man and have children of my own.  I believe God want’s all of us to have families of our own.  I know He want’s us to raise our children in the words and footsteps of Christ.

I invite you to read The Family: A Proclamation to the World.  

I know this proclamation is true.  

I invite you to pray of its truthfulness.

https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng

May 15, 2016

Demographics

This week in class we have been talking about the demographics of family.  We have been discussing the why and how of fertility rates changing over the decades.

There were two videos we were assigned to watch.  In these videos I found some very interesting ideas that I’d like to share.

Idea 1 : Does it matter how many children I have?

The simple and most correct answer is yes.  It does matter how many children I have.  From a factual view, the amount of children I have will affect the population.  The number 2.13 was mentioned in the videos as the number of children being born or not being born, which could effect the worlds population.  This concept has two ways of effecting population:

1.     If every family in the world has more than 2.13 children, then the worlds population would increase.

2.     If every family in the world has less than 2.13 children, then the worlds population would decrease.

 

This picture represents what would happen if couples had more/less than 2.13 children in their families.  Each tally represents a person. 

Focus on the top portion of this diagram.  It is like a pyramid.  It starts with one person and multiplies into two, thee, four, etc....  This is representing what would happen if couples had bigger families, they would grow and populate.  

Now turn your attention to the bottom half of the diagram.  It shows what would happen if couples produce smaller families.  Over time the population would decrease and the family would no longer be growing.

China is a great example of this phenomenon.  There was a law enforced for many many years in which only one child was allowed per family.  This was a problem for many reasons.  Reason one: it caused parents to want boys to carry on the family name; duties girls could not fulfil.  This led to couples abandoning their baby girls in order to have a boy.  Reason two: instead of population control, there was depopulation.  I do not think China could foresee the drastic result depopulation would have on its nation.  Now China has a policy for families to have two children without a fine.  While this is a good policy for families to be larger than they were before, it will still not allow for its population to grow because each family is not producing more than 2 children.  

I really love how the top portion of this resembles a family tree.  I know families are meant to be big and forever growing.  God wants all of us to have large families so we can all experience mortal life together.

I often think how Satan tempts people today into corrupting the family.  He can make us think we need money, fame, and power before a family.  He can influence us to feel inadequate to be married or unqualified to raise children.  He can implant ideas of gender attraction towards other people as well as augment feelings within ourselves.  He has laid addictions such as pornography, drugs, alcohol, and cheating to break the family.  The family is central to Gods plan; therefore, Satan seeks to destroy it.

Idea 2: Individualism.

Individualism is an interesting and complicated philosophy.  According to dictionary.com, the philosophy of individualism is: 

1.    The doctrine that only individual things are real.

and

2.    The doctrine or belief that all actions are determined by, or at least take place for, the benefit of the individual, not of society as a whole.

I know individualism is one of many controversial subjects I will write about, however, I would like to share some of my thoughts and impressions.  

First, individualism is affecting families around the world.  The Industrial Revolution was the first time the idea of individualism was introduced because farms turned into suburban living and factories allowed for all to have jobs.  Next we experienced civil rights movements, two of which challenged black people’s rights and women’s voting.  Over the decade’s, individualism has evolved which has changed the family demographic.

Now a day’s people are so worried about themselves.  Fame, wealth, power, and social status are all above families.  The rich and powerful set the standard of living a lavish life full of expensive parties, houses, travel, etc.…  Generally, the rich and powerful don’t have large families, so the rest of us are under the impression that large families are overrated.

I am so thankful for my ancestors who lived before me to provide and fight for my rights that I have now.  I am grateful for my ancestors who brought my family into the world.  I have a large family who supports me and loves me.  I know the generations on the earth today are raised differently than in generations past- today the vast majority of people think individually.  With God’s help we can overcome this way of thinking and turn to do His work.  We all live in a confused day and age were right is wrong and wrong is right.

I urge everyone in this world to seek their kindred dead.  There are so many blessings from heaven we can all benefit from if we do so.

I also urge everyone to turn to our Heavenly Father when the decision comes to start a family.  I believe when one has the mind set of ‘how many children does God want me to have?’ we will all be happier as individuals and as families.

Remember: never make a decision without Heavenly Fathers help. 

Here are the links to the demographic winter videos mentioned above.

Note they are each about an hour long.

Link 1:  http://byutv.org/watch/59b6b917-984a-478f-93b1-521a647779c4/new-economic-reality-demographic-winter-part-1

Link 2:  http://byutv.org/watch/b3dfa9f3-6e20-4d64-af96-fbf3fd64670a/new-economic-reality-demographic-winter-part-2

May 1, 2016